Attempt 1: Stolen WiFi from your house.
Sure, yeah, that'll work. The one bar you're getting from ChangTangSangWIFI down the block will take care of that in no time.
1.1 Don't worry that there are 6.375 inches of sheetrock in four walls separating your computer from it's connection.
1.2 Broadcast those confidential legal documents indiscriminately through the EM spectrum. Go wild. Let me know if you get more than 4.2 kbps. See you in four months.
Attempt 2: Stolen WiFi from across the street
After all, it's a convent. How often are the nuns on the internet? This attempt will fail when you notice it's password protected.
2. 1 Hack the Password:
* Jesus
* God
* Dios
* LadyGaga
* Mea Culpa
* Gloria
* Ave Maria
* Pacem, Dei Munus Pulcherrimum
No luck.
Attempt 3: Slap it on a Drive / SneakerNet to your Boss' place
He's had a Warcraftian account since the game was played on a legal pad, so of course he's got a neon lightsaber laser beam connection to the Internet. Maybe it'll run overnight? IT now begins to look like a Disney movie from the '60s without the anti-semitism. Of course, this will not work. In the morning, you're still a puppet made of wood.
Attempt 4: Upload it from the office
It's morning, good for you, you made it. First, reply quickly to the client status update request with the following email. Just go ahead and paste it into the body, don't bother editing at all:
4.1 "Hello Client: If you could do it faster, you can fuck right off and do it your damned self. There's a speed limit in electricity, it's called C. Regards: Consultant!"
4.2 Do it the old fashioned way
4.2.1 Open window 1, your local computer.
4.2.2 Open window 2, your web portal to the webland.
4.2.3 Alt - Tab
4.2.4 Ctrl - A
4.2.5 Ctrl - X
4.2.6 Alt - Tab
4.2.7 Ctrl - V
4.2.8 Find something else to do for seven hours
This is not an elegant solution, but if it were, it wouldn't be Brooklyn Engineered.
4.3 This too will fail when you wreck your office's network (true story, you should have seen the emails). The local IT people will log you out of your own machine:
[blink!]
Off. Forget everything else you were working on at the time. It's gone. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go.
4.3.1 Resist the urge to respond with a 155 character long string of invective over Blackberry SMS to the "We had to log you out" email you receive moments after your computer restarts itself.
Attempt 5: Write it on Index Cards and mail it in four banker's boxes.
The author wishes it known that he will publish the successful attempt (6.2) upon its completion. Premature publishing will incontrovertably ruin any chances for successful resolution of this project.
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